the boy with the broken stomach

"Welcome to Zombie Land!"

Batangas, Philippines ­­–The devastation, isolation and desolation brought by Typhoon Glenda happened overnight. It was 4 AM when I woke up from the whistling sound created the strong winds gliding on my room’s window. I thought it was an awesome soothing breeze, but slowly this was replaced by anxiety. Am I on a post-apocalyptic movie? I wonder where were the opening credits.

If you have experienced a terrible natural catastrophe and have watched several post-apocalyptic movie, I bet your paranoia played tricked at the back of your head. Here are some signs that you’re probably in one:

  1. You don't have water.

    The first thing you’d probably experience is lack of water, clean and potable. Water is as precious as gold during natural calamities. If you don’t have access to one, pray for all your sins and prepare for death of dehydration.
  2. You don't have food.

    They say a man can live as long as a week with just water, but in my case I can’t even last 6 hours without food. Canned goods are your savior during storm surge because you can store it for some time, unless you have a herd equipped for hunting.
  3. You don't have electricity.

    Power is everything, without it would feel like an eternity of desolation. When was the last time you sleep in a dark room, within a dark house, within a dark neighborhood, within a dark village, within a dark city. Your imagination will run wild when you’re in the dark.
  4. You don't have money.

    Your credit is good, but we need cash, just like that. It’s a slap in the face when you have money in your bank, but you don’t have on hand. You can't buy anything with a plastic card reliant for ATM’s which are now worthless machine.
  5. You don't have access to public transportation.

    Uprooted trees are now blocking major roads, making everything unpassable and what’s left are your mud-filled-stinky feet going back to basics. It’s either you walk to find food or you wait for the government’s relief goods, which is by the way never coming back, ever!
  6. You don't have signal on your phone.

    Communication lines are down therefore your shinny gold iPhone 5S is a piece of brick, and that cheap butterphone just works like magic, fully-charged. These pieces of technology are useless when they can’t help you communicate to the outside world to ask for help.
  7. You don't have access to essential establishments.

    Whether you just want to have a lunch, buy medicine, or gas up you can’t have any of them. During times like this even if you have money you can’t spend, it since almost all essential establishments such as restaurants, drugstores and gas stations were put down by the typhoon.
  8. You don't know what to do.

    When everything was happening all at once and you were caught unprepared, you might find yourself trembling and going nuts. You’re not on an island, but you feel so alone and remote as if there’s no more tomorrow.

All of a sudden you find this magnificent and comforting sanctuary, filled like-minded individuals. You chug in caffeine into your system and hurdle yourself back to the Internet again, “Welcome to Starbucks Sir!”

"Just do it...tomorrow."

We totally believed we had the luxury of time, wondering and wasting every single precious minute to some unproductive activity. It would have been more fruitful if we prioritized our errands. Perhaps we weren't supposed to exit from the danger of toxic buzzer beating. There's no one to blame here but you and your ill habit, which is wasting your time, money and elbow grease.

Later is not always better and never will it be. If you enjoy the thrill of rushing your work and hitting last minute deadline, you should stop these partly suicidal habits. Not alone are you setting yourself into pressure, which you could have avoided, you're also getting less quality output.

The act of delaying things to be done today and repeating the cycle the next day is an infinite loop of procrastination that consumes a person to exhaustion. It would have been nicer if you had more time to retrospect and make alterations, but you can't afford that anymore. Your willingness to change is the key to this quandary. You should take an action, because no one will for you.

Procrastination can't be eliminated , but it can be minimized. Taking away distractions will aide you finish tasks and here are some hints for you to sample:

  1. Working off your internet connection for a while so you don't get hooked on those cute cat pictures and hilarious GIFs will save you time. Only if getting offline isn't possible because your work depends on it, put an additional effort on browsing related sites only. 
  2. Drinking an energy booster such as a cup of coffee will help you focus and alert especially during the wee hours. It is advisable to get a sip between 9:30-11:30 am and 1:30-5:30 pm when your cortisol level is going down. 
  3. Creating a to-do list to enumerate your tasks will help you organized and more expert at time management. If you have listed your errand, it's much easier to pass over your advancement. 
  4. Skipping might be counter-intuitive, but if one item on your list is time consuming skip it and resolve it later. Getting beaten on an item will bear on the balance of your projects. 
  5. Listening to your favorite music will also heighten your mood and be more proactive. It will energize and awaken your senses if you’re in a serious state.
  6. Resting when everything seems to be an overload will help you unclutter your head and decide better. If you cramp all without having a break, chances are you will find yourself beaten and less concerned. 
  7. Reward yourself. There's no better way of beating procrastination than to have a positive reinforcement. It gives you this sense of fulfillment and accomplishment.
Getting better with your goals is easy if you plan well and make use of your time wisely. Remain aside from time-wasting activity and concentrate on what matters most, because in the long run you will harvest the benefits of your fruitful labor. Avoid distractions and stop procrastination.

"Enjoying summer a little bit more."

Summer is almost over but the blast never stops at the enchanting island of Boracay. Discover the wonders of this sanctuary that never fails to surprise its tourists, be it day or night. Here are 6 things to enjoy your late summer escapade:

  1. Big Mouth

    Finding a place to eat was a challenge, not because of scarcity but the abundance of choices. You certainly need a big mouth to fit all those delicious dishes. If you wanted to have a "Putok Batok" lunch you should try there Sea Food in aligue sauce, but be sure you have your maintenance medicine with you.
  2. Sun Bathing

    Toast yourself until golden brown under the sun just to brag your burnt skin when you go back home, "Oh! Don't touch me. I have sunburn from Bora Darla." Don't forget to take a wide shot, so you can post it online for your friends to speculate if it's a photo of you on a vacation or you surviving on a ship wreckage stranded on an island.
  3. Picture Taking

    If you can't go for water activities due to your friend's monthly girl thing, then what better way to make the best out of your stay than to take as many pictures as you can on your monopod aided phone. It still counts as a water activity because you took it on the beach.
  4. Epic Walwal

    I never really fully understood the word "walwal" not until that night, where there was upbeat jam and crazy people grooving to ecstasy. It's funny how three cups of alcohol could transform all those rich kids into party animals. They say don't talk to strangers but it's okay to party with them.
  5. Notes

    If you're inside a bar with loud music and you can't afford to force your throat use your Notes app to make a conversation, even if it entails for you to be mistaken mute. I had a hard time talking to strangers and yes being an introvert sucks. The good thing about this was, you're conversation was recorded and you can review the next day to make crazy assumption of what happened that night.
  6. International Friends

    Sometime's I wonder if I'm still in Boracaya or in Korea because the majority of the tourists are Koreans, as if you're on a Koreanovela island. But there are also other foreigners like this one white guy who wanted to take a picture with me because we had the same shirt.

"Garbo! Pahiyas Festival."

Lucban, Quezon — Pahiyas Festival, the most colorful celebration in the province will never fail to amaze you with surprises in every turn. Walk along the beautifully embellished houses ornamented with bright kiping, a rice made decoration, and crops hung, as sign of a bountiful harvest. Not to mention their awesome food and breath-taking scenery. Definitely it's Garbo!

The wonderful town of Lucban opened a window of a vibrant culture filled with a bundle of festivity and here's the five things you should try when you get there:

  1. Pahiyas Festival

    Your visit at Lucban would not be complete if you will not experience the famous Pahiyas Festival. Houses get ornamented with colorful kiping  and several crops as thanksgiving for their patron saint San Isidro Labrador.
  2. Pancit Habhab

    When you get hungry, food will not be a problem. You can have Pancit Habahab on the sidewalk, a inexpensive treat for only Php10. It's both delicious and fun because there's no utensil and you eat it directly with your mouth.
  3. Longganisa

    If Pancit Habhab is not enough then you should try their famous longganisa. It comes in small and larger sizes, sold per dozen, you definitely go home not with an empty stomach.
  4. Lambanog

    Hard drinker? Why not try the potent of pure lambanog, a fermented  coconut alcoholic beverage that comes in different flavors. You'd be amazed how this drink can make you go crazy!
  5. Taytay Falls

    Experience nature at Taytay Falls, a little sanctuary just 10 minutes away from the town proper. Splash into the icy cold water and captivating scenery for only Php20 as entrance fee.
Fiesta is a thing to us Filipinos and Lucban, Quezon with it's Pahiyas Festival really showcases that it's more fun in the Philippines. Our culture is as rich and vibrant as the colorful kiping; our camaraderie is tightly compact like a longganisa; and our values is as strong as lambanog. Wouldn't you want to experience it yourself too?

"Bili na suki!"

TANAUAN, BATANGAS — The sun is bright and the day is great. It's a perfect time to go to the public market, a place of vibrant people and amazing goods. You can find anything you need here at the price you like.

When I got my job, I seldom go to the public market for two reasons: convenience and safety. I'm a paranoid person and I always get uncomfortable in public places where there are crowds with no security guards roving. But my impression changed when I went to my local public market again after a long time. It made me realize some interesting things:
  1. Bargain your price.

    Everything here is less expensive compared to a supermarket. Plus you can bargain for a price. You just have to have a thick face.
  2. Shopping's an adventure.

    Looking for an item on your grocery list is an adventure. If it's been awhile since you visited this place, it will look like a maze of random stalls and you don't know where things are. 
  3. Vendors are varied.

    Buying  between the first vendor or de tour to finding another seller just in case you can get a better deal . If you're lucky enough you might just create a good bond and become a suki.
  4. People are amazing.

    Surrounding you are different people from different walks of life. It will be most likely that you will come across some interesting people.

"Let the Hunger Games begin!"

SANTO TOMAS, Batangas — Resto 101 where buffet meets budget. Find the ultimate menu of mouth watering dishes from soups, side dishes, main courses and desserts. How about a chocolate fountain?

Last night I was deliberately looking for a nice place where I can enjoy my Friday night. I opted not go to a bar again because everyone online already thought I'm alcoholic. Also I currently have an issue on money and weight loss. I needed to eat more and spend less, if that's even possible.

Resto 101 is the ultimate budget buffet restaurant with it's wide selection of dishes and classy theme. Find with it ease along Maharlika Highway opposite McDonald's, second floor above Metro Bank. Dig in with delectable delicacies as much as you can, for a fraction of price. Enjoy your unlimited merienda for only P99;  feast your lunch and dinner for only P199. It's perfect for family and friends for different occasions and events.

Delicious dishes all you can

I had a wonderful evening last night with  good ambiance and great food served. Definitely Resto 101 is a great restaurant that fits your money and your tummy, a deal you might not find anywhere else. Just make sure you are prepared before going to this place because you will be welcomed with a bundle of festivity!

"Dan dan dan, Dalandan!"

Do you want to taste a green orange or build a snowman? Why does the new Nesfruta Dalandan Commercial sound like a theme song from a recent Disney film? Is it real?

I was puzzled about this "Dalandan Meme" and after doing some research I found out it was all about the new Nesfruta Dalandan TV commercial, starring Cheska Garcia-Kramer and her adorable Kendra. The scene starts on a lush green field with Cheska asking her daughter, "Do you want to taste a green orange?" Kendra as a little-innocent-adorable girl replied in amazement, "Green orange, for real?"  And then afterwards the product reveal, instantly turning into a musical-fun-filled hypnotic production number. You'll be singing along with it, "Dan dan dan Dalandan", for real!

Clearly this commercial shows one of the proven propaganda techniques called Repetition. As described on Wikipedia:

"This type of propaganda deals with a jingle or word that is repeated over and over again, thus getting it stuck in someones head, so they can buy the product. " 
One of the crucial element in this ad is the familiar tune at the beginning from the popular Disney film Frozen. If you are keen enough you can actually distinguish the same flow from the original. Anna calls Elsa where in this case Cheska calls Kendra. Your brain plays with you and then when you get the hang of it you will be hypnotized until  the end of the song and be singing the "Dan dan dan Dalandan!" really.

"We're not friends. We're not enemies. We're just strangers, with some memories."

That one EX who told you: "Di ko kayang mabuhay ng wala ka, " patay na ba? ("I can't leave without you," is he dead already?). Life as we know it is filled with overreacting bitches. That heartbreak is one painful shit that can take away their everything. Whether it's you, or if you can't accept it's you, let's assume someone you knew, tend to overreact on this bizarre rage of emotions. But is it really possible to die from a broken heart? Science has the answer.

Overreacting or not these are some key points that prove heartbroken can cause you death:
  1. Chances of having heart attack or stroke doubles after 30 days of losing a loved one.
  2. Brain activities of people grieving for a death of a loved one is similar of those with a wounded heart.
  3. Body reaction to emotion stress of a break up like a physical illness.
  4. Stress hormones induce cardiomyopathy, although doesn't kill like a heart attack but the symptoms are the same.
  5.  Breakups gives you this drug withdrawal syndrome that puts you in a cycle of love and hate.

Time really heals all wounds. After 30 days all these physical and mental response will go away. Move on, get a life and learn from this. Eventually you'll realize how jerk he was and how awesome it is to be single, free and ready to mingle. My friend once said to be, "Magmahal ka lang, "(Just love). You can't find true love if you stop loving.

"We have beer as cold as your EX's heart"

It's weekend again. The night is young and so are you. Wouldn't it be nice to find a perfect place to spend the evening? Intoxicate yourself from alcohol and acoustics. At The Park, Tanauan, Batangas you can have that little piece of heaven, perfectly situated along J.P Laurel Highway.

I don't consider myself alcoholic. I'm more like well-hydrated. I don't really like going to loud and crazy bar where everyone is so drunk and dancing. I'm more into chill and comfy gastropub with fine acoustic band;Thursday to Saturday two sessions from 7PM - 9PM. With all the stress I had the entire week, it's more appropriate to go on a peaceful place like The Park. I wish they could have changed their name into The Heaven (but that would sound more like a beer house filled wild seductive women, kidding aside).

The Park Bed and Breakfast, a place where you can be drunk and still feel classy. Not only can you order beer as cold as your EX's heart, they also serve frappé, pastas and sandwich to tickle your tastes buds. How about cocktails? There's this one blue mix called Smurf that tastes so good you can be tricked it's non-alcoholic but knocks you off  later so bad, it's good. Try it for yourself! Go alone or go with friends, you will enjoy it. When you get there, don't forget to foursquare check-in. Try to dethrone me mayor.

"Cheers for the Queen!"

Kristine Queen Kalaw(@kristinequeenk). 22. Philippines! Oops, I thought she was one of the candidates. This adorable young lady has set herself on fire last Saturday on their humble home. The night was all about peepz, alcohol and up beat tasteful music courtesy of his brother DJ Kenneth Kalaw(@kalawkennethking). With all the crazy kids in one place certainly no one can stop the party, even a Barangay Konsehal with their neighbor's complain. 

Krisi, as her friends call her is a fierce and feisty woman with a pure heart and bitchy kidney aimed for bar hopping. We've been friends because of her lovely sister Kim (@kemkemhurhurr). Attitude is one of the things I like about her. She can carry herself with class and still be approachable. Having a degree in management she also has an eye on business not to mention her online store @KicksKalaw. Find good deals and merchandise for a very reasonable price plus you get to meet this hot chick.

P.S. Happy Birthday Krisi! Drink Fast. Run Faster. Here's one more little gift for you. Enjoy!

"Grab some balls!"
Eating  healthy doesn't have to be time consuming to prepare. Ingredients doesn't have to be hard to find like you're making a Mandrake Potion. Let me share to you this quick and easy recipe you will surely love. To make your own Banana Oatmeal Balls all you need are oatmeal, banana and peanut butter. Follow the steps below:

  1. Cut the banana into small pieces and mash it. It should look like a baby food after.
  2. Add the oatmeal and mix well.
  3. Scoop one tablespoon and roll into balls.
  4. Microwave for a minute and let it cool afterwards.
  5. Drizzle with peanut butter to finish.

"Let there be light! Bright lights everywhere."

TANAUAN, Batangas — The City of Color held the first Parade of Lights last night March 8, 2014 stretching across Jose P. Laurel Highway showcasing the magnificent floats from different businesses, schools and organizations. It was truly the brightest night  of the city as they celebrate their 13th Cityhood Anniversary today.

The event was inviting that even as early as 5 P.M. people are already swarming across the streets to find their perfect spot to witness the spectacular Parade of Lights. Moments later the streets lights where turned off signaling the start, exciting the everybody even more.

The crowd cheered with sheer joy both young and old as the show unfolds before their eyes. Street dancers lit with bright neon glow groove into the beat enchanting us all, but it was just the start. Following it were the stars of the night, captivating and glowing floats from several establishments. The crowd was left in awe and spectacle as if there were charmed with bright lights and upbeat music.

I'm not a Tanauan native but I was captured by it's benevolent and caring people when I went to college here. I have seen before my eyes how it progress through the years and it's incredibly amazing. It still gives me that tingly sensation brought by the nostalgia of my earlier years in the city. Tanauan is surely the City of Color, a city of hope to it's people.

"Beer me some coffee."

There are two things that I couldn't resist — alcohol and coffee. If it's a Starbucks coffee count me in and if it's FREE tag be double. Ever since I discovered the wonders of overrated coffee I started to become addicted to it.

Owning the green shinny Starbucks Card is a token of pride and association to the magnificent bean blender from heaven. Like other loyalty program you earn points (or stars in this case) each you use the card for purchase. 12 stars and you will get a FREE Grande Beverage of your choice. It just makes you to get more until you finally redeem that one FREE coffee. Crazy isn't it?

As a "semi-regular" customer, by that I mean an occasional drinker since those cups aren't cheap, I've been witnessing lucky customers receiving this peculiar receipt, as the barista congratulates him/her. I wonder why. Then one day it dawn on me, a longer than usual receipt written with the words — "Customer Voice Receipt". Aha! This is it. The rare receipt given to a random yet lucky customer that entitles him/her on a FREE Beverage. Crazier!

On,you will be prompted an online survey asking you to key in your Customer Code found on the receipt and answer some questions. When you finish this you will get a Complimentary Beverage ID which you need to write on your receipt and present it on the store to redeem. Just a warning, offer expires 14 days from the date of the receipt so make sure you will not miss this FREE treat from Starbucks.

"Sa Jollibee, bida ang saya!"

I'm one of those little kids who adore the jiggly-jolly bee mascot. And now I'm a young man, or a kidult (kid+adult) if you will, I still do. Jollibee has always had this charisma over me that when the Happyplüs Card was launched a year ago I instantly signed up.

Happyplüs Card is  JFC’s customer loyalty program with rewarding benefits on every transaction to its members:

  • Get 1 point for every Php 50 you spend and use those points to get FREE food
  • Load your card at least Php 100 to earn a raffle entry on their monthly draw. 

With the convenience of fast cashless transaction, powered by BPI how can you not be hooked?

I've been using my Happyplüs again for sometime no. The only thing I was mainly concerned about was the ease of just bringing less cash and relying on my earned points, that's it. Then yesterday I received a text from the Happyplüs informing me about winning their monthly raffle. I was surprised that I had to double check on their website that I really won. Yes! I was one of the lucky winners of  Php 500 load.

I guess this the odds are on my favor these past few weeks. So what are you waiting for? If you still don't have the Happyplüs card, get yours now. You might just also win not just a few bucks but an astounding Php 100,000 cash. 

"I think it's important to find the little things in everyday life that make you happy." -Paula Cole

Everyday has always been an expense. From the moment you wake up in the morning to take a shower up to the charging you phone before you sleep. Over the weekend you spend buying your grocery to fill up you fridge for the entire week or so. Have you ever wondered where to get FREE money? Does the economy haven't had enough that it spare some to you?

Slowly but surely most of us are turning our spending behavior on cashless transactions. With the ease of our ATM cards and POS card terminals on almost every establishments,t it is clear we are enjoying the benefits of living on the 21st century. But what if I tell you that you can even have more benefits aside from convenience. What if you can actually get a rebate, FREE money when you spend. Isn't that amazing?

Bank of the Philippine Islands (BPI) has launched their Payday Everyday Promo which entitles BPI Debit card holders 1% rebate all-year-round when they spend of no minimum amount on a payday via  Express Payment System (E.P.S) from January 1, 2014 to December 31, 2014. To redeem simply text:

IM ON EPSREBATE (space) Card Number/Transaction Date (MMDDYYYY)/ Transaction Amount to 2256 on all networks.
A confirmation will be sent to you and rebates will reflect after 5 banking days. For more info visit

"It's not the destination but the journey."

What will you feel if your kindergarten classmate/friend has finally tied the knot to that one person she will be for life? Well I guess, it is only normal to feel this weird tingling sensation of happiness and excitement. It's like you're seeing a fairy tale happening right before your eyes that's totally surreal.

It is in our twenties that big things happen. Getting a job,buying a car or in this case getting married. I didn't see it coming this soon. That girl you knew since you started schooling and  had your first communion with, the pretty lady on your high school batch that you called "OTS" and now the woman in her bridal gown walking down the isle, wearing the sweetest smile. Isn't that crazy? She's getting married!

The entire day was a fun filled adventure, from finding our way to the magnificent San Antonio De Padua Church up to the majestic reception at Ville Sommet. Although it was not an easy ride, I had the most amazing bonding experience with my two friends Kim (@kemkemhurhurr) and Vina (@iko18), as we battle against the dusty and rough roads up to the embarrassing walkathon. All of these was paid off when we finally got closer to the beautiful bride Mrs. Beverly Paolene Baretto-Nioko and his dashing groom Mr. Alvin Baretto-Nioko. After an very exhausting day we were able to say our best wishes to our friend and his husband. Congratulations to both of you!

Update: Photos from the church of San Antonio de Padua, Silang, Cavite

"The scariest thing to happen to you on a pay day – Debit of Doom!"

After days of toil and hard work you have always look forward to that day. We all look forward to that special day when we feel like we're a one day millionaire, as if we can buy everything; then shit happens.

You go to an ATM, flawlessly inserted your card and punched your PIN. You have mastered the menus and can even withdraw without looking on the screen. The machine then ejected your card and your hand sweat for that lush and tender cash you worked for weeks. It took a while than the usual but you know it's just a matter of seconds, but time passed by and the line behind you is getting longer, people are getting annoyed. Then you realized that you have been a victim of the scariest thing called Debit of Doom.

What should you do to this crisis? First panic! Let the tension and irritation overwhelm you. Then afterwards, calm down. Think straight. If you have access on an online banking, check your balance immediately. If you have been debited, keep the receipt if you have one. Talk to the personnel of the bank or if none is available call the hotline. Usually it is printed on the machine. Document everything  you can have as proof such as screenshot. Lastly hope for the best.

They say prevention is better than cure. If this doesn't happened to you before, then lucky you. To prevent this from happening, always select a decent ATM:

  1. Don't withdraw to machine that no one is falling in line. You might see that as a good opportunity but  that might also be a sign that no one is trusting that buggy machine.
  2. As much as possible look for personnel near the machine just in case your transaction fails.
  3. Never talk to strangers who ought to help you, this might be just a modus.
  4. You might not see it convenient but it's safer to withdraw with a crowded areas like a mall. Although you're swarming among those crazy people you can assure assistance just in case something unexpected happens.
I hope this will never happen to you. If it does, remember the tips I told you. This can help you through.

"We might not have the answers but maybe we're asking the wrong questions."

I have open myself to every possible way to find the one. I kept trying for years now but still no good. I'm still the lonely boy spending his free time blogging, updating the internet about his boring life. Sometimes I wonder why this couple in front of me found each other. If they say there are a lot of fish in the ocean, why haven't I caught a single sea creature? Should I stop searching and accept the fact I'm gonna grow old alone. This shit gives shiver to my spine. What the heck is happening to me, seriously?!

Life for me has always been bittersweet. Most of the time it's bitter though with relatively low chances of sweetness. Coffee makes me happy, next after to beer. Only when caffeine spikes that I tend to forget my emptiness. I surely sound melodramatic but you can't blame me. I just hope there's a pill to make my hormone forget that stupid longingness.

There are so many questions left unanswered. Did I did something wrong? Have I been cursed? I get more weird and pathetic everytime I ask myself like this. I'm just wishing the universe to either hit me by a scorching asteroid or anything that will make me feel warm. I just hope that like a cup of unstirred black coffee that tastes bitter crazy, lies a incredibly sweet delight at the bottom.

"Gay is Okay!"

Pogay is a portmanteau for pogi (handsome) and gay. I am Pogay premiers today on the Philippine noon time show It's Showtime, showcasing incredibly good looking gay men. It is expected that this segment will also be as much popular as the previous That's my Tomboy for lesbian.

I am Pogay has been doing great talk over social media over the past few days and it is no surprise that it instantly trended worldwide on Twitter when the segmented started. The Philippine television should have shows like this for it serves as an eye opener to the public, breaking stereotypes and understanding that L.G.B.T community is as colorful as the rainbow.

Update: As Vice Ganda would say, "It's atay." The winners for the pilot episode of I am Pogay are Brixx Reyes-Javier and Mhar Ortigas. This was a good start, not to mention the Orange pickup line and the Evolution of Chicken.

"Family makes you full."

It's been four days since the incident happened. I thought everything will be gone. I had doubts for myself and that anytime sooner I will lose them. I was wrong. I was just over analyzing. I was judging them that they will judge me but they did not. We are family and family don't leave family.

No matter how many ounces of beer you drink it can't drown your problem. It'll just make your stomach full but your heart still empty. You might have floating feeling on your head and help you sleep but when you wake up in the morning nothing has changed — well at least it helped you sleep.

Yesterday I wasn't really opening up to anyone. I was still silent. I'm just not really ready to talk about it. I feel so much insecure and uncomfortable. Luckily my best cousins were trying to reach out. I was thankful but I kept my words to a little. I know I am full of love and that I will never be alone. I have them on my back. Maybe when I'm ready I'll speak up and tell them everything. My hopes, fears and reservations. One day I will tell them full story.

"The truth will set you free!"

For years I have been living in lies, pretensions and fear. Fear of abandonment to whatever consequences I might face on my decisions. I have this elaborate plan for revealing things to my family, friends and everything in between but all of these was trashed. All my assumptions, precautions and preparations became useless because clearly I'm not in control of everything.

I always have this fear for my family especially my mom. I know this will hurt her so much but I have to do this. Prolonging this will only make things worse because I'm only fooling myself and everyone around me. It's hard to tell the truth but the truth will set you free. Things might not be okay today but eventually things will surely get better.

We had our conversation yesterday and it was like the old times. The same cloud of sadness filled the room as we talk about all our  misunderstandings and my condition that she was not really prepared. She was shocked and I was worried.  We both cried. She told me that she was crying the night before and asked my little brother. I was surprised on how my brother answered to her. I felt a relief and an assurance that I will not lose my family just because I'm different. I told her that I will never do things that will put our family in disgrace and added that she's having a misconception, a generalization of  people like me. I don't see myself like she's imagining and I'm not that kind either even though I'm not the kind of person she expected me to be. What matters most is that I'm still his son and I will always be here for her and my brother.

After our conversation yesterday we haven't talked again. I guess we just need a room for fresh air and let time help her accept things and eventually make it easier for the both of us. This is surely a new year for our family.

"Forward, because there's no turning back."

Happy New Year to all except for our family. Over the years we always try to celebrate special occasions together, me, my mom and my little brother and the crazy things about the three of us. When I started working I always try my best to make each year special. From our first Christmas tree to my yearly science experiment/ made-up recipe. But this year's different.

It was like one of those new year's eve when I lost my dad. It was the same sadness I felt when I was a kid, when everyone else's enjoying and I was hurting inside. While all the fireworks were cracking, my heart was breaking. I can see my little brother awake behind the blankets, hearing the cheers of our neighborhood while the both of us are pretending to be asleep because we had to suffer the consequence of disobeying our mother. She had this episodic mood swing again that has become frequent these past few months. I don't know if it was about her hormones or something but she had it in a very awful timing. It was new year's eve and we became the victim of her fury. I could make it through the night but seeing my little brother makes me cry. He doesn't deserve this. I know how hard it is as a kid to have those bad memories get stuck into you until you get old.

I can't disrespect my mom. She is everything to me. If we talk in person we will surely be shouting at each other so I decided to do something. Just before the clock hits midnight I wrote her a letter, telling all my resentment and everything  that's bothering me. When I was a kid I always do this to her but now I'm older it was much harder choosing the right words.

I told her all my plans in life and I don't even bother making distance to her if that makes our relationship better. I'm just seeing forward and not looking back because that will only make me weaker. I should be strong and be brave. I don't care if she'll hate me forever as long as I keep my promises and responsibilities to her and my brother. I think that's enough for now. It might seems immature right now but I believe this will make me a better person. To just stay away on her sight for now and be back when things fell into place. If we continue being together we will always clash. I guess this might be the best option for now. 

This shit makes me cry! I think I should sacrifice now because she has always been sacrificing for us. She has never been this happy with that person. I guess I should stop being needy of her because now she needs someone else for her own happiness. I don't mind giving way. I had her for quite something and she deserves to be happy too. Our new year didn't started well but it might be the better option of us.