Forward

"Forward, because there's no turning back."

Happy New Year to all except for our family. Over the years we always try to celebrate special occasions together, me, my mom and my little brother and the crazy things about the three of us. When I started working I always try my best to make each year special. From our first Christmas tree to my yearly science experiment/ made-up recipe. But this year's different.

It was like one of those new year's eve when I lost my dad. It was the same sadness I felt when I was a kid, when everyone else's enjoying and I was hurting inside. While all the fireworks were cracking, my heart was breaking. I can see my little brother awake behind the blankets, hearing the cheers of our neighborhood while the both of us are pretending to be asleep because we had to suffer the consequence of disobeying our mother. She had this episodic mood swing again that has become frequent these past few months. I don't know if it was about her hormones or something but she had it in a very awful timing. It was new year's eve and we became the victim of her fury. I could make it through the night but seeing my little brother makes me cry. He doesn't deserve this. I know how hard it is as a kid to have those bad memories get stuck into you until you get old.

I can't disrespect my mom. She is everything to me. If we talk in person we will surely be shouting at each other so I decided to do something. Just before the clock hits midnight I wrote her a letter, telling all my resentment and everything  that's bothering me. When I was a kid I always do this to her but now I'm older it was much harder choosing the right words.

I told her all my plans in life and I don't even bother making distance to her if that makes our relationship better. I'm just seeing forward and not looking back because that will only make me weaker. I should be strong and be brave. I don't care if she'll hate me forever as long as I keep my promises and responsibilities to her and my brother. I think that's enough for now. It might seems immature right now but I believe this will make me a better person. To just stay away on her sight for now and be back when things fell into place. If we continue being together we will always clash. I guess this might be the best option for now. 

This shit makes me cry! I think I should sacrifice now because she has always been sacrificing for us. She has never been this happy with that person. I guess I should stop being needy of her because now she needs someone else for her own happiness. I don't mind giving way. I had her for quite something and she deserves to be happy too. Our new year didn't started well but it might be the better option of us.