the boy with the broken stomach
"We might not have the answers but maybe we're asking the wrong questions."

I have open myself to every possible way to find the one. I kept trying for years now but still no good. I'm still the lonely boy spending his free time blogging, updating the internet about his boring life. Sometimes I wonder why this couple in front of me found each other. If they say there are a lot of fish in the ocean, why haven't I caught a single sea creature? Should I stop searching and accept the fact I'm gonna grow old alone. This shit gives shiver to my spine. What the heck is happening to me, seriously?!

Life for me has always been bittersweet. Most of the time it's bitter though with relatively low chances of sweetness. Coffee makes me happy, next after to beer. Only when caffeine spikes that I tend to forget my emptiness. I surely sound melodramatic but you can't blame me. I just hope there's a pill to make my hormone forget that stupid longingness.

There are so many questions left unanswered. Did I did something wrong? Have I been cursed? I get more weird and pathetic everytime I ask myself like this. I'm just wishing the universe to either hit me by a scorching asteroid or anything that will make me feel warm. I just hope that like a cup of unstirred black coffee that tastes bitter crazy, lies a incredibly sweet delight at the bottom.

"Gay is Okay!"

Pogay is a portmanteau for pogi (handsome) and gay. I am Pogay premiers today on the Philippine noon time show It's Showtime, showcasing incredibly good looking gay men. It is expected that this segment will also be as much popular as the previous That's my Tomboy for lesbian.

I am Pogay has been doing great talk over social media over the past few days and it is no surprise that it instantly trended worldwide on Twitter when the segmented started. The Philippine television should have shows like this for it serves as an eye opener to the public, breaking stereotypes and understanding that L.G.B.T community is as colorful as the rainbow.

Update: As Vice Ganda would say, "It's atay." The winners for the pilot episode of I am Pogay are Brixx Reyes-Javier and Mhar Ortigas. This was a good start, not to mention the Orange pickup line and the Evolution of Chicken.

"Family makes you full."

It's been four days since the incident happened. I thought everything will be gone. I had doubts for myself and that anytime sooner I will lose them. I was wrong. I was just over analyzing. I was judging them that they will judge me but they did not. We are family and family don't leave family.

No matter how many ounces of beer you drink it can't drown your problem. It'll just make your stomach full but your heart still empty. You might have floating feeling on your head and help you sleep but when you wake up in the morning nothing has changed — well at least it helped you sleep.

Yesterday I wasn't really opening up to anyone. I was still silent. I'm just not really ready to talk about it. I feel so much insecure and uncomfortable. Luckily my best cousins were trying to reach out. I was thankful but I kept my words to a little. I know I am full of love and that I will never be alone. I have them on my back. Maybe when I'm ready I'll speak up and tell them everything. My hopes, fears and reservations. One day I will tell them full story.

"The truth will set you free!"

For years I have been living in lies, pretensions and fear. Fear of abandonment to whatever consequences I might face on my decisions. I have this elaborate plan for revealing things to my family, friends and everything in between but all of these was trashed. All my assumptions, precautions and preparations became useless because clearly I'm not in control of everything.

I always have this fear for my family especially my mom. I know this will hurt her so much but I have to do this. Prolonging this will only make things worse because I'm only fooling myself and everyone around me. It's hard to tell the truth but the truth will set you free. Things might not be okay today but eventually things will surely get better.

We had our conversation yesterday and it was like the old times. The same cloud of sadness filled the room as we talk about all our  misunderstandings and my condition that she was not really prepared. She was shocked and I was worried.  We both cried. She told me that she was crying the night before and asked my little brother. I was surprised on how my brother answered to her. I felt a relief and an assurance that I will not lose my family just because I'm different. I told her that I will never do things that will put our family in disgrace and added that she's having a misconception, a generalization of  people like me. I don't see myself like she's imagining and I'm not that kind either even though I'm not the kind of person she expected me to be. What matters most is that I'm still his son and I will always be here for her and my brother.

After our conversation yesterday we haven't talked again. I guess we just need a room for fresh air and let time help her accept things and eventually make it easier for the both of us. This is surely a new year for our family.

"Forward, because there's no turning back."

Happy New Year to all except for our family. Over the years we always try to celebrate special occasions together, me, my mom and my little brother and the crazy things about the three of us. When I started working I always try my best to make each year special. From our first Christmas tree to my yearly science experiment/ made-up recipe. But this year's different.

It was like one of those new year's eve when I lost my dad. It was the same sadness I felt when I was a kid, when everyone else's enjoying and I was hurting inside. While all the fireworks were cracking, my heart was breaking. I can see my little brother awake behind the blankets, hearing the cheers of our neighborhood while the both of us are pretending to be asleep because we had to suffer the consequence of disobeying our mother. She had this episodic mood swing again that has become frequent these past few months. I don't know if it was about her hormones or something but she had it in a very awful timing. It was new year's eve and we became the victim of her fury. I could make it through the night but seeing my little brother makes me cry. He doesn't deserve this. I know how hard it is as a kid to have those bad memories get stuck into you until you get old.

I can't disrespect my mom. She is everything to me. If we talk in person we will surely be shouting at each other so I decided to do something. Just before the clock hits midnight I wrote her a letter, telling all my resentment and everything  that's bothering me. When I was a kid I always do this to her but now I'm older it was much harder choosing the right words.

I told her all my plans in life and I don't even bother making distance to her if that makes our relationship better. I'm just seeing forward and not looking back because that will only make me weaker. I should be strong and be brave. I don't care if she'll hate me forever as long as I keep my promises and responsibilities to her and my brother. I think that's enough for now. It might seems immature right now but I believe this will make me a better person. To just stay away on her sight for now and be back when things fell into place. If we continue being together we will always clash. I guess this might be the best option for now. 

This shit makes me cry! I think I should sacrifice now because she has always been sacrificing for us. She has never been this happy with that person. I guess I should stop being needy of her because now she needs someone else for her own happiness. I don't mind giving way. I had her for quite something and she deserves to be happy too. Our new year didn't started well but it might be the better option of us.